Yesterday was my first day home after escaping the real world for 4 whole days.
I am sure you are all thinking how hard it must have been to come back to reality but it wasn't at all in fact it was the opposite.
I am a very positive self driven person; I am self confident and through hard work and positivity have always succeeded at achieving my goals. I believe 99% in positivity there is 1% room for down days but you do not set up a tent and live there.
I also am a big believer in choices! We all make our own choices, we choose our behavior, attitude, lifestyle- if it is not working do something about it, ask for help but do not play the blame game.
9 years ago after achieving all the goals I had set for myself, my partner and I decided to have a family. It was OUR choice that I would stay home to raise our children and he would pursue and expand his business.
For the first few years I found this role very fulfilling however after the birth of my second baby I tried to start a business again. With the pressure of my need to be a 100% available parent, my want to be a successful business owner, and my own personal need to be a fit and healthy mummy I found myself overwhelmed.
Doubt became something that lived in my mind daily….
Was I a good mum? Wife? Was the house clean enough? Did I work out enough this week? Did I look good? Why were my friends so successful? Am I not as business savvy as I thought?
Slowly health concerns and operations threw themselves in front of me and my path to my future goals and I found myself in a deep depression.
Who was I? Would I ever achieve my goals again? Why does this keep happening to me? What have I done to deserve this?
However I pushed past every hurdle and just got back up on the horse until one day, I just couldn't get up!
This is when it dawned on me……….
I can NOT do everything, but what I can do, IS enough!
I am business Savvy and if I put my children in day-care I could have it both but is that what I wanted? The answer was NO.
So I refocused my energy on my children and my health and it worked, I was happy and content my family was happy and content and I was healthy for the first time in years!
Until this year….
This year I realised that my baby goes to school next year! What was I going to do next year? It wasn't hard to find a answer I had a passion for living chemical free and I loved sharing my experiences so I knew this is where I wanted to focus my new found time however my family took more convincing which then through up a whole lot of new doubts again.
My husband had grown quite fond of me staying home, and could not understand why I could not be happy to be a “trophy wife”. His business had expanded fruitfully and financially there was no need for me to go back to work.
For me being such the confident and independent woman that I am I was looking forward to feeling successful and achieved again and not relying on someone.
It sent our relationship into a rough patch and I felt myself more confused than ever. I knew that my business venture was amazing and went ahead and launched it. I promised myself that my family and I would always come first, work second!
BOOM! My little business idea exploded I was overwhelmed with the response but I was true to my word and kept my promise. Day by day I could feel something growing inside me, all of a sudden I found myself resenting my family?
I was constantly on edge when things didn't go to plan I started losing it yelling, swearing anger was everywhere. This wasn't me, where had I gone?
Then I got a text from my good friend Kate from Soulfull Clarity, inviting me to her very first Immerse retreat. OMG “Yes, this is it” “I need this” I needed to escape this prison and have some “me time”. So the next step was to ask my hubby I had already decided that we couldn't justify spending this amount of money so I was OK with this response if received, I headed into the man cave and broke the news of this awesome retreat that I really need but it is $$$$ “HELL NO! ARE YOU CRAZY” was along the lines of his response. It was at that time that I looked up and noticed his brand new dirt bike sitting in the shed along with my sons brand new dirt bike and my daughters bike also and out of no where I said “There is 11 retreats sitting right there that belong to you, our son and daughter, where is my retreat?” peacefully I walked away I didn't mind if I didn't go but I was happy to just make that point. Later that evening hubby said to me sincerely “Go, you need it.” I was ecstatic but surprisingly I didn't book, I couldn't. I kept trying to find excuses “Oh but it starts on Thursday so what about the kids?” “I've got it covered, just book it before you miss out” was hubby’s response but it wasn't that easy.
Apart for hospital visits I had never left my family nor had I spent that type of money on me and it wasn't an easy habit to break.
Last Thursday I awoke at sparrows fart and drove myself down to Gymea Eco Retreat & Spa to participate in my very first Immerse retreat by Soulfull Clarity. Gymea is at the base of Mt Warning and the energy is amazing, I instantly felt at ease.
Over the next 4 days I experienced friendships I didn't know I had, I got to participate all new aspects including Yoga which I had never done and Meditation which actually comes quite naturally to me and I cannot part with ever again in fact I'm frightened that one day I might just live in meditation. I was awakened! I had unimaginable clarity, focus, calmness. I dealt with trauma and emotions I never knew I had and was able to leave it all behind.
I realised I didn't rely on anyone that my husband and I supported each other. He supported me and our family so that I could stay home and raise our children. I supported him so that he could grow his business so that he could continue to support us.
I realised to not criticise myself when things don’t go to plan, it isn't ready to happen yet and all the hurdles do make me stronger!
I have achieved so much! I have raised two amazing children, I have been there for them 100%, I have helped my husband succeed in achieving his goals with his business while being at home making lunches, and listening to him talk about his day and washing his clothes and without noticing it I HAVE actually succeeded in my goal.
I arrived home Sunday evening with immense gratitude for my family, my son told me that I looked different and my husband mentioned how at ease I was. The energy in the house was completely joyous.
Yesterday was breezy, I rolled with the flow. I thought of how I could explain to people what the retreat was like but I had nothing, I just wasn't ready. I needed to swim in this feeling of contentment. The house was not perfect but it was tidy and everyone was happy, dinner went without a hitch, kids amazing, atmosphere positive and joyous once again. I didn't stress about future, work, chores I just focused on the task at hand. I spent majority of the day playing and dancing with Miss and didn't feel like it was a waste of time and I should be doing something else. At bedtime I was relaxed didn't think about tomorrow just blissfully slept.
This morning I told story’s I imagined up to Miss as we cuddled in bed, before she insisted that she must go to tennis camp with her brother today something she has never done.
After a smooth relaxed morning I dropped them off and felt the need to walk which is something I have always put in the “later after I do this” basket. After ducking inside past the messy kitchen which didn't faze me to put on my sand shoes I headed straight for the road. I walked to the end of the street where there is a bush walk. I have lived in our street for 10 years and always wanted to do the walk but have made so many excuses not to.
Today I had none, something in me just pulled me and I followed. I was blown away by the magic of nature that is right in my backyard that I had never experienced before. Kangaroo’s jumped across the dry, dirt, steep track. The sound of the birds was magical and the cool breeze blew upon my skin so gently. At the top the view was jaw dropping I sat with my eyes immersed in darkness as I listened to the trees rustle in the breeze, the birds whistle and the sun beat down and kiss my skin. My Emotions where out of control! I was feeling complete contentment, freedom and blissfulness. It was a hard work but my body was not in pain but instead was relaxed. On the way down I strolled so slowly just soaking it in that and the fact it was so dry and steep that the dirt would just slip from under your feet. I didn't fear that I was alone, I didn't feel the rush to get back to chores at home, to be honest I don’t think I actually thought at all….. It was just Me, ME, and Me alone with nature.
I walked in the door; sweat dripping from my body, grabbed a drink of water and sat down at the computer and words spilled from my fingers.
I truly believe that the universe pulled me to that retreat! It pulled me to that bush walk and I’m sure will continue to pull me and now I know that I'll defiantly go with it. I had everything I needed to get there I just needed a little help.
Sometimes even I need to remember……
What YOU can, is enough
P.S For support on removing chemicals from your life, DIY recipes, workshops etc. please contact me.
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